all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
