i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We were destined to go to rehab together
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How does one acquire holy water?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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