Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
