You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
In other news, I just burned my penis
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
