im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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