Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
