dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
