apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
