every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
