True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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