Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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