im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
