um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
