I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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