No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Fuck appropriateness.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize