Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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