hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize