think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
