he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize