I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
