what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
