I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
