i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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