I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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