If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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