Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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