3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
