i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
