Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
