Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
