I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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