Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
