i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
