Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
