meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
