At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
