My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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