I smell stomach acid.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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