I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
