she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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