I could have mohawked her pubes.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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