I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
