we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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