I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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