clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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