I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
