Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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