It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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