apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
