i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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