fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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