Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
