my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
