I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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