he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
