I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
