you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize