I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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